he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
