I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
