Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have already put on my inside pants.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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