we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
