Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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