So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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