I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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