My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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