That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
