Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
