I wish my penis had an off switch
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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