she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
