sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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