High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
