VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
