I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
