Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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