hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think i got beer on your cat.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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