Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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