im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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