I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
