The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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