i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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