He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
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do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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