Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
im on a boat
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