i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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