and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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