dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
