It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
