This is not my ceiling
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
