You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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