a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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