I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
