Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
