Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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