somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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