I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
