i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
