4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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