Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
