I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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