The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
