How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
