there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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