Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
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I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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