don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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