11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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