do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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