oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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