oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
