Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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