You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
