I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
