I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
