I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
