I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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